Corona Virus Blog-Lake Mary, Day 57

5-16-20

The Bookaneers met on Zoom last night. When I asked if anyone would like to meet live in June, observing social distancing, everyone shook their heads. So, it’s Zoom for the foreseeable future. After the meeting, I got calls from S- and V- and a text from L-. They are all going batshit in quarantine. They want to meet up- from a distance. I am a little sorry quarantine is ending, although there is no doubt Florida’s numbers are quite good. DeSantis opened up the gyms, starting Monday. I am not going back to Planet Fitness anytime soon, although I hope the homeless lady who used to live there is ok.

I’m not sure we’re ok. Bob is down to 123.4 pounds. This happened quite suddenly on Wednesday. The lowest he has ever been is 125.5 pounds and that was a cause of major hand wringing and angst. But he has never been this low before. On Tuesday, he weighed 129.  He’s been mildly nauseated. WTF.

He looks thin too. Almost skeletal. One of my missions in life is feeding Bob. Ensuring he has breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I buy him Boost, I insist he have a beer in the evening. I load the house with snacks, which he usually eats well into the night, as well as peanut butter or fried egg sandwiches. But lately, he slowed down.

“I’m just sick of eating,” he said.

Right now, he weighs barely 10 pounds more than I do.

Immediately, I think of pancreatic cancer, which is what my stepfather  died of in agony. But the whites of Bob’s eyes are not yellow, he felt better after taking Pepto bismo, and he’s eating without pain. SO although my tendency is to completely flip out and drag him to the ER for blood tests and x-rays (which he refuses to do), based on my research, it looks like a gastronomical upset. Still, he lost almost six pounds in a couple of days. That just isn’t right.

We went bike riding this morning in Winter Springs on the trail. It was between 9 and 10 am, which in a month will feel like a sauna, but this morning it was still cool enough in the shade. Still, I worried about him expending calories. But it can’t hurt for him to get fresh air.

I brought some plastic bags over to K- for her kitty litter yesterday and told her about Bob’s weight, or rather his lack thereof.

“Make him go to the doctor,” she said. “I kept nagging G-, and by the time he went , it was too late.”

I can’t even think of life without Bob. The other night, he said, “I’m just your cash cow.”

“Right,” I said. “And if you believe that, I’m out of here. I will leave right now. I don’t need your money. Who had money when we got together? Did I ask you, if I were your cash cow?”

Then I felt bad about arguing with him.

There is no denying there is something fragile about Bob. I looked at his legs today while he was sleeping and they are covered with scabs where he bangs his legs against a wooden bar under his bench. He has frequent stomach aches, and weird disabilities. His arm will hurt or his knee. He sleeps huddled up, as though he’s in pain.

When I first met him, I didn’t think too much about this. I mean, he’s really strong, he looks healthy. And he was younger. But now that he’s older, aches and pains, losing weight, takes on a new significance. Is this minor or the beginning of the end? We’re in a new demographic now, one where people drop dead with regularity.

However, my new philosophy is the Serenity Prayer, which I recited countless times at Al Anon meetings when I was seeking help for H-:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

And accept the difference. More and more, I am realizing that I am not the one in control, much as I try to be.

Corona Virus stats on WorldOMeter at 4:30 pm:

4,698,802 cases (ww)
311,519 deaths (ww)

1,501,989 cases (nw)
89,383 deaths (nw)

44,811 cases (fl)
1,965 deaths (fl)

431 cases (sc)
12 deaths (sc)

CoronaVirus Blog: Lake Mary, Day 56

5-15-20

Morning Joe Scarborough: “We are literally in the worst crisis since WWII.”

Sometimes my personal life reminds me of the way the Trump presidency is run. There’s no justice in it. The past is retold in a way that is a lie, facts mean nothing. No good deed goes unpunished.

Since I messaged A-, H- has been flooded with pictures from her infancy, which she posts on social media. The H family legend is that I stole H- away and disappeared when I did no such thing-I got a job as a home ec teacher in the Florida Keys. I did not immediately inform the Hs, as I honestly did not think they would notice. None of them paid any attention to her once I left M- . I tried to serve him divorce papers for years, and he eluded them until I didn’t have his address anymore.

But, of course, I cannot say that. And I do not want to. I am happy they are finally paying attention to H- they have been so neglectful and dismissive of her over the years. I need to be everyone’s scapegoat, to fall on my sword for M-’s and the H’s neglect of a beautiful child. Let it be my fault. What do I care.

But I cried a long time this morning over it. M- was such a terrible husband and father, and I tried so hard. This is very difficult for me. But I can’t say anything not only because it wouldn’t make any difference-I can’t say anything because the narrative where I am to blame is easier on H-’s mental health. She has always blamed me for everything anyway. If it helps her, so be it.

Still, does M- have pictures on the wall of the girls growing up, their senior pictures? Does he treasure cards, drawings, mementos of their childhood? Does he have their little handprints encased in plaster, their confirmation clothes? Has he taken literally thousands of pictures of them all, pictures which they use themselves on social media? Has he ever put himself out to help them in any way at all. Or even thought about helping them? Does he love them?

And is this the proof that a lying child abusing cheater wins in the end? And what exactly is winning?

You can see for yourself the parallels between a really bad marriage and the Trump administration. There seems to be nothing that can-or perhaps should- be done. If the girls want to blacklist me and embrace the man who forgot they existed for decades, that is just the way it goes. If America re elects Trump, America deserves him. And everyone has to live with it.

WorldOMeter Corona Virus Stats at 2:30 pm:

4,593,434 cases (ww)
306,377 deaths (ww)

1,470,688 cases (nw)
87,773 deaths (nw)

43,210 cases (fl)
1,876 deaths (fl)

426 cases (sc)
11 deaths (sc)

CoronaVirus Blog: Lake Mary, Day 55

5-14-20

Morning Joe Scarborough: “The Republicans got out their fainting couches when I suggested we should shut down in January.”

Walking through ritzy white neighborhoods gives me some perspective about the ascendance of Trump. Canopies of trees above me, 2500 square feet of houses, sweeping tiled driveways with the garage tucked discretely on the side instead of taking up ¾ of the curbside view. Houses with landscaping of exotic flowers, houses with turrets, towers, porches, pools, balconies. And these are chicken coops compared to Trump’s neighborhood, which I used to visit when I lived in Palm Beach County. I mean, drive by. You couldn’t see anything on account of the hedges, just some palace in the distance.

Never mind that I don’t want or need such a setting. But I like what such a home would say about me. Such a home, the means to buy it, commands respect.

I guess this is why people vote for Trump. He is rich and always has been. He is many things, most of them far less admirable. But wealth covers a multitude of sins and trumps less flashy attributes like honor, honesty, fair play, empathy, even intelligence.

I am aware that it is easy to condemn what you don’t understand. Sometimes, I wonder why I am out of step with people who see nothing wrong with Trump smashing up democracy, the economy, and public health in his figurative roadster of malevolent ignorance. His approval rating is 49% and he is now leading Biden in all the swing states. He is certainly proving that playing by the rules is for losers.

I said to Bob this morning that the backlash for Obama is much deeper and more dangerous than we ever realized. Yay, our first black president. And then this. But look at the Sunni’s, the Kurds, and any other tribal faction. People hate each other. They give in to their worst instincts. They are like animals baring their teeth at outsiders or just anyone different.

I would just like to get up one morning and not have the shit scared out of me because a rich entitled madman is running the country into the ground. And no one seems to care, they support him.

To me understanding is the road to peace. But there is no understanding this. It happens in other countries, not America.

Until now.

4,500,850 cases (ww)
302,051 (ww)

1,448,460 cases (nw)
86,454 deaths (nw)

43,210 cases (fl)
1874 deaths (fl)

426 cases (sc)
11 deaths (sc)

CoronaVirus Blog: Lake Mary, Day 54

5-13-20

I got up at 5:30 and spent three fucking hours on my phone reading political articles and checking Twitter. It’s become an official obsession. Even though I will be happy not to have this constant gnawing anxiety when Biden is elected, I wonder if it will feel like something is missing?

I don’t think so.

Obama wasn’t my favorite president by a long shot, but I did have confidence that he would do what he felt was right for the country. I didn’t wake up every morning checking to see if the world was at least still partially intact. Instead, when I leisurely pursued the news, Obama was always doing something to help the poor, or create jobs for kids, or lower our odds of getting wiped out in nuclear warfare or from climate change. He was good at foreign policy too, at least in comparison with our sitting president. He had strong ties with our allies and our enemies knew where he stood, although he was too soft on Russia.

Ebola came to our country and under his watch it did not become a pandemic or even much of a big deal.

I thought he invested far too little time and money and credit in public education, although he did attempt to close out the colleges for profit sweat shops. But he advocated for charter schools, which, with few exceptions, are terrible schools who rip off tax payers. He sent his own kids to private schools, which I understand, but he didn’t seem the least bit sorry. Also, although his attempt to provide healthcare for all had high aspirations, the finished product was a disaster for the middle class once he forewent the public option. Bob and I  had virtually no healthcare for the past eight years. We can’t afford it, and what we did have covered nothing.

So, Obama wasn’t perfect, but he was pretty good. If he hadn’t jumped straight from junior senator-if he’d gotten a little experience first-to president, he may have been awesome. As it stands, I think Bill Clinton was hands down the best president we ever had or are likely to have in terms of economic development, lowering the federal debt, and advocating for education. I didn’t like ask, don’t tell, or the welfare act, or three strikes you’re out. But I didn’t give a damn what he did with Monica Lewinski, although it was stupid, and I will say at least he didn’t pay her off. (He may have helped her get a job. Big deal. )

But back to Obama, part of my anxiety this morning had to do with what Trump has announced on Twitter as “Obamagate,” accusing his predecessor of committing the biggest political crime in history.

He tweeted all Mother’s Day weekend about it and when a reporter asked him what crime Obama committed, he said

“You know what the crime is. The crime is very obvious to everybody. All you have to do is read the newspapers, except yours,” Trump told Washington Post reporter Philip Rucker during a press conference in the White House Rose Garden.

I didn’t believe Obama had done anything illegal, but I had to make sure. Apparently, what Trump was referring to was a meeting Obama, Biden and intelligence agencies held after Trump was elected, but before he was inaugurated. In it, Obama learned that Flynn, Trump’s new head of security, had talked to the Russians about lifting Obama’s sanctions, which were imposed for meddling in the 2016 election. When Obama heard that, he asked if the FBI should do something. They questioned Flynn, he lied, he was convicted,  and Trump’s attorney general just reversed the conviction and Trump launched #Obamagate.

Trump is so crazy, he is taking me right over the edge with him. If he were a student in my class, I would be able to expel him, if he were a relative, I would disown him, if he were a neighbor, I would ghost him.

But he is president if the United States and if he is reelected, I don’t know the country I’m living in anymore. Or rather I do, but I thought it ceased to exist 50 fifty years ago. At least.

CoronaVirus Stats for 1:05 pm am in WorldOMeter:

4,394,660 cases (ww)
295,706 deaths (ww)

1,417,832 cases (nw)
84,185 deaths (nw)

42,402 cases (fl)
1,829 deaths (fl)

422 cases (sc)
11 deaths (sc)

CoronaVirus Blog: Lake Mary, Day 53

5-12-20

The headline to the article was intriguing: “Meat Prices are Expected to Increase-Here’s What You Can Do.”

I mean what were they going to suggest? Something like Swift’s “Modest Proposal”? Should we keep pigs and chickens in our backyard? Master the art of milking goats? What?

By the way, this article appeared in a publication titled: TasteofHome. It was illustrated with a picture of a gigantic display- at least six crowded rows- of raw meat packaged in plastic. Chicken wings, pigs knuckles, chicken thighs, whole hens, ground beef patties. It was arguable propaganda by vegans.

So of course, I had to read the article. I can spend, and I do, hours reading this shit on the internet. After reading it, I noted that the author, a Ms. Emily Hanneman, seemed to have trouble locating her lead sentence and rambled on about social distancing and the difficulty of finding toilet paper. At that point, I didn’t think the girl had it in her to suggest anything untoward such as human sacrifice, but I read on anyway, in spite of her inappropriate use of “we” as a pronoun with no antecedent.

Ms. Hanneman promises to offer guidance to consumers determined to keep meat on the dinner table, but then she abruptly transitions to the ‘reason’ for the meat shortage crisis, whatever it is. But we already know the reason or any simpleton could figure out that the meat packing plants closed because a bunch of employees got sick.

Sure enough, Ms. Hanneman confirms all that within the parameter of three paragraphs. She also adds the fact that meat prices are rising by a minimum of 20%. Which any one who grocery shops already knows. Still, some millennials who only order out may not know that’s why the tab doubled. It certainly wasn’t the price of gas.

What can we do, the author laments? Now, I am finally nearing the part in the article where she offers suggestions, although to me, the most likely solution would be to just stop eating meat. It’s not hard to cook vegetarian as long as you use lots of spices, roots, and herbs. In fact, I’m pretty sure I would eat very little meat if I weren’t married. Most men my age eat a lot of meat.

But I digress. What were Ms. Hanneman’s suggestions?

• Take a deep breath (however, if I take a deep breath wearing a face mask, I could pass out)
• Just wait for it (try telling that to your husband as he gags at a serving of tofu)
• She suggests online butcher shops, a kind of horrifying concept, which triggers PTSD recollections of scenes in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
• Eat meat substitutes, here are 10 examples (yes, they all suck).

So I felt understandably let down, my meat supply problem unsolved. But was it really such a problem?

The men have less meat. That is what it boils down to. Not none, not even a little. Just not as much. When I was kid, my Catholic friends had no meat on Friday. My millennial kid has a social conscience when it comes to meat although she does tend to binge on bacon. But it is a fact that a pound of beef is the equivalent of 2.5 pounds of grain. Society really could feed the world-and stop some inhumane practices against animals-if people even cut down a little on meat consumption.

So no one should be losing their heads over a presumed meat shortage,  although we can make like Marie Antoinette and say in austere tones, ‘Let them eat Cheerios.’ Just don’t waste your time reading articles about it. Seriously.

CoronaVirus Stats for 10:35 am in WorldOMeter:

4,292,487 cases (ww)
288,973 deaths (ww)

1,388,283 cases (nw)
82,018 deaths (nw)

40,982 cases (fl)
1735 deaths (f)

415 cases (sc)
11 deaths (sc)

ConornaVirus Blog: Lake Mary, Day 52

5-11-20

Text from Joe Biden:

“Liz, you’re one of our top supporters, but you haven’t yet told us if you plan to vote for Joe Biden in Florida this November.”

Nothing in that text is true. If I am a top supporter, Biden is in big trouble. So I will not be hurrying to answer your survey before midnight or at any other time a pollster locks me into a screen with a donation requirement at the end. And I have responded to numerous surveys indicating that I would vote for a New York pigeon if I thought it would get more votes than Donald Trump. You can count on me 100% . Unless I, or Joe, drops dead of the coronavirus before November. And even that may not stop us.

Everyone is counting. Counting up, counting down. The numbers of dead and sick coronavirus victims is definitely on the down side. I think only five people died of CoronaVirus in Florida yesterday, of course, today it’s up to 14. But the numbers have leveled out at Sad, instead of Extremely Shocking.

It’s exhausting, but sitting around fretting does not keep one svelte. Sometimes, taking my walk I feel a need for a Fitbit so I can get real information about how much energy I expend. I have an app on my IPhone, but it is not correct- Bob and I have experimented with carrying our phones and mine is always anywhere from  half a mile to a mile and a half off. A Fitbit would give me accurate steps, calories expenditure, heart rate, pace.

Then I think, how self-involved do I have to get? Is it really necessary to record every step I take, every breath I make from now until I croak? On my deathbed, will I really regret not taking care to sum up accurate step footage for my entire adult life?

What is important now? I am starting to understand that my experience and qualifications may be irrelevant now that I am 65. In my field, the prevailing sentiment trends towards hiring youth, if anyone is going to be hiring anyone at all for the next year or two until this recession/depression plays out.

Sometimes, when I’m walking, listening to podcasts, counting my steps, I have a profound sense of my presence fading from society. No one really cares what I think or what I do. I may have brilliant ideas, but no one is really interested in hearing them.

That is their loss.

I will not fill out more surveys, applications, I will stop consulting Health apps. I have retired. Dropped out of the rat race. Watching from the sidelines. I have given up being relevant.

It is a great relief.

CoronaVirus stats for 2:20 pm from WorldOMeter:

4,231,897 cases (ww)
285,480 deaths (ww)

1,367,638 cases (nw)
80,787 deaths (nw)

40,982 cases (fl)
1735 deaths (fl)

415 cases (sc)
11 deaths (sc)

 

CoronaVirus Blog-Lake Mary, Day 51

5-10-20

Today is Mother’s Day, a fairly meaningless holiday, devised by Hallmark. Nevertheless, it causes me some anxiety. I have saved a giant card H- gave me many years ago when we all went for dinner at Longhorn and got along. I probably have some Mother’s Day artifact or other of C-’s, and I have saved her baby’s trinkets. However, the only one of my offspring likely to call today was C-, and I have to admit, I wasted two days worrying if she would call at all. I knew she probably would, I knew Bob would remind her, I knew it was irrational to worry, but I did. My entire life, people have been mad at me for reasons that escape me. In fact, I was preparing myself for the intense disappointment of being completely forgotten on Mother’s Day, a role I put considerable effort into not to mention unconditional love. But she called. She’s moving to New Orleans, which is only a little further away. She and F- think New Orleans will lend a more cosmopolitan air to their resumes than Pensacola, and for all I know she may be right. I think C- just likes to move to new places.

I moved a lot too, in my 20s and 30s. It seemed there was always a theme song accompanying my adventures. When I was young, music seemed to stir emotions that foretold some great promise about to unfold. Now that I’m old, I realize that the promise was the music itself. I can immerse myself in the Beatles, Prince, Genesis, Joni Mitchell, Rolling Stones, Joe Sample and travel to a completely different place in time. The music no longer transports me to an Edenic home in the future, but instead wafts me back to memories I could never recall in any other way.

Not a bad Mother’s Day. If there is a God, thanks.

Coronavirus stats at 5:31 pm from WorldOMeter:

4,170,890 cases (ww)
283,362 deaths (ww)

1,365,247 cases (nw)
80, 715 deaths (nw)

40, 596 cases (fl)
1,721 deaths (fl)

415 cases (sc)
11 deaths (sc)

 

CoronaVirus Blog: Lake Mary, Day 50

5-9-20

Joe Biden texts and emails me constantly. I donated $5 about a year ago and he’s been my BFF ever since. “Hey Liz,” he texts, “it’s Joe Biden and I know a lot of you are anxiously awaiting my pick for VP.” Then he promises me that I will be the very first to know. But first, I have to click on this URL and make another donation.

I don’t fall for this in spite of his friendly tone, in spite of the fact that he is the candidate I plan to vote for in November, God willing. Bob and I have pledged to vote for Joe Biden if he has to be wheeled into the oval office on a gurney. But that doesn’t make me sympathize with his incessant nagging need for my approval and money.

I would say look to the younger generation, but they are a mess disseminated by the second severe recession in their lifetime. Which they will no doubt blame my generation for. (As if I voted for that madman in the white house.) But really, I have no idea how young people are going to pull out of this morass. Businesses are folding by the day: Gold’s Gym, Neiman Marcus, J. Crew, Sweet Tomatoes, Penny’s, the airline and cruise industries, food chains. Even their cats are contracting the coronavirus. Millennials  will probably all move enmass back to their parents houses with their contagious pets. This time they may never leave.

Speaking of pets, I began checking  on the Greyhound Adoption Center, but they are still closed, and I am put off by the rigorous application, interview, adoption process. I want to adopt a dog, not a child and I shouldn’t have to put the same amount of time and money into it. Dogs have shorter life spans.

Then I made the mistake of going on the dog shelter web site, which may be open, but I almost broke down looking at the dogs, and I am sure I could never set foot in a dog shelter again. It’s bad for cats too, but dogs are such social animals and it is desperate to witness their obvious despair.

I cannot get another pet for fear of having to endure the pain of its loss. I cannot choose one and not the other, knowing that the other is miserable and may die.

I would have been a mess in German-Occupied France or Amsterdam. I wouldn’t hide Jews because saving one would make the ones unsaved seem that much more tragic.

Since we seem to be heading more towards 1930s political predicates than away from it, we should all probably chip in a few more bucks for our pal Joe Biden. He- and his powerful friends- are that stand between us and democratic annihilation.

CoronaVirus stats from WorldOMeter at 1:11pm.:

4,062,583 cases (ww)
278,147 deaths (ww)

1,330,564 cases (nw)
79,008 deaths (nw)

40,001 cases (fl)
1,715 deaths (fl)

410 cases (sc)
10 deaths (sc)

CoronaVirus Blog: Lake Mary, day 49

5-8-20

“If now is not the time to cook eggs with a blowtorch, then when?” Emeril

M-, apparently I’ve been spelling her name wrong, friended me on Facebook, and I am already regretting confirming it. She has no filter. She posts right on her page: DHS took my child away from my mom in FL. who is the horrible person that would make a call to do that? i dont know what to do i dont know what i do im so upset

I don’t know who called DHS either, but I have to believe the baby is better off in an environment with air conditioning and no hoarding. Also, as painful as it is, B- is better off not caring for an infant because B- has serious health issues.

And I guarantee you, M- will have more children she can’t take care of. How sad to see this all unfold on another family.

However M- and B- have rights and there is a possibility the infant will be returned to one of them. Probably B- because M- is still in Colorado. It’s times like these that I wish I had some kind of unwavering faith in God, but if I had that, I would know that whatever happened would eventually be for the best. Or not.

Good and bad news. The numbers of new coronavirus cases and deaths are definitely on a downward slide. Yet Trump has decided to shelve the CDC precautions and open up the country willy nilly. Also Michael Flynn’s obstruction of justice case was just dismissed by attorney general William Barr even though he already confessed to the charges and was already convicted of lying to the FBI. It’s like there’s no laws anymore. No examples of decency or justice either.

Trump’s presidency causes me a lot of anxiety. I don’t like feeling upset all the time as he destroys democratic norms, lies to the American public, endangers public health with his lame- brain meanderings, and worst of all makes right seem wrong and vice versa. The Bookaneers are  reading 1984. Doublethink. 2 + 2= 5.

At my age, I am intolerant of so much as two seconds of discomfort. When I was young, I could pass out on the floor and spring up eight hours later fresh as a daisy and suffering no hangover. And this was during the Nixon presidency. Now I can’t even handle a presidential response to a pandemic that will literally kill us all, without switching channels.

When I look at his approval ratings, which are still high, I swear, I think I will have a stroke.

CoronaVirus Stats for 2:00 pm:

3,980,414 cases (ww)
274,132 deaths (ww)

1,307,430 cases (nw)
77,851 deaths (nw)

39,199 cases (fl)

1,669 deaths (fl)

410 cases (sc)
10 deaths (sc)

CoronaVirus Blog: Lake Mary, Day 48

5-7-20

K- came over for a drink around 5 pm yesterday, and when she came through the door, she said, “That neighbor you told me about? The police are there. They’re taking the baby.”

Bob and I had walked down to get the mail about 20 minutes earlier. We passed B-, her car parked by the curb. Bob said he could hear the baby crying. “Why is she parked there?” I asked. “What is she doing?” She was a couple feet, at least, from her own driveway. I waved, but she seemed too distraught to acknowledge me.

Bob said, “You’re asking me these things, and I don’t know the answers. Maybe she was trying to get the baby to sleep. Her place must be hot.” We haven’t seen the air conditioner on the side of her house operate in years. In the driveway the rusted decomposing Mustang she drove 15 years ago sits with low tires. In the rear window is the name M- in fancy script stencils.

It had crossed my mind that B- kidnapped the baby. K-, who had seen the transaction between B- and social services, said, “That is one teeny tiny baby. It has to be newborn.”

As K- was leaving, B- came over, and I had to take her into the house, plop her on my sofa, and sit there for an hour and a half listening to her whispery voice go on and on with one horror after another, the kind of horror that sounded familiar, the horror of a mentally ill adult child.

Some of it I already knew about M- from Facebook. The sex work, the porn. The rest was news, but predictable. Meth. Homelessness. Suicide attempts. Check, check, and check. Diagnosis of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.

And of course the added horror of the pregnancy and trying to figure out what to do for the baby, her granddaughter, the unfortunately named O-.

B- said it was a neighbor who called child services. The neighbor reported that B- left the baby alone in the house while she walked around the neighborhood. Once social workers saw the house it was all over.

I had trouble hearing B-, but she said something about having set up guardianship before she left Colorado with the baby-doubtful-that she just signed a lease on an apartment to stay in while she fixes the house up-sounded made up-and she was very interested in how Bob and I managed to adopt C all those years ago.

“We got the parents to relinquish her,” I said. “Legally.”

Bob said, “Otherwise it’s hard to do.” He paused. “How old are you?”

B-smiled. “I’m 59.”

“B-,” I said. “You killed yourself for M-. I saw it. The private school, the university, the support. You have health issues. Shouldn’t you focus on yourself?”

What I didn’t say, and I was thinking, is that M- will likely have more than one child. Look at H-.

So B- had to go to court today to fight for her granddaughter. This brought all sorts of bad memories back, including the time H- lost custody of C-, and I had to creatively use my ‘grandparent rights’ to gain visitation, a yearlong nightmare with lawyers and H-showing up zonked out on pills wearing a nose ring.

I am never sure if B-’s lack of social skills are the result of , or the cause of, the deep distrust society has of single mothers. Single fathers are heroes, but single mothers are seen as sluts, drug addicts, welfare recipients. B- wasn’t any of those things, she was a successful career woman, a model single mom. But on a social level something was, and is, seriously amiss. Perhaps B- is autistic. Maybe Asperger’s. Not much eye contact, oblivious to social cues, facial expressions. Talks at people not with them, talks in streaming monologues, usually about very dull subjects like the bylaws in the neighborhood homeowners covenant.

But she was not dull last night, and her raspy voice washed over me, and my pity for her was profound.

This is just the sort of fucked up thing that seems to always happen to B-. She can never catch a break.

Later K- texted me: “What’s up? Totally want the skinny. Is the baby ok?”

“Yes. I’ll fill you in later,” I texted. “Heartbreaking.”

I could have texted: B-’s life could be my life, with no happy ending.

CoronaVirus Stats for 1:23 pm:

3,874,189 cases (ww)
267,912 deaths (ww)

1,271,423 cases (nw)
75,578 deaths (nw)

38,002 cases (fl)
1539 deaths (fl)

408 cases (sc)
8 deaths (sc)